sometimes the blues.
This is what Dean knows about himself: He is no braver than he has to be. He looks at Castiel sometimes and thinks, If only I were braver. If only. If he had some courage, more than he has ever possessed, he could open his mouth and say something, sometime. If he could be braver, he thinks he could carefully extract his heart and lay it all out there in the open, his heart ready and waiting and pinned to his sleeve for everyone to see. He could lay it all out on the line.
He thinks if he were a braver man, he wouldn’t be where he is.
Tonight he is lying on his bed. He’s lying on his bed with headphones covering his head and the worst music he has ever heard blasting in his ears. He feels like he’s dying. He thinks he is probably dying. He is listening to a song and crying himself sick and he doesn’t even know why. It’s been happening more and more lately, and every time it’s the most awful, terrible thing that’s ever happened to him.
He doesn’t consider himself a coward, but he has always been able to do just as much as he has to do and nothing more. He can’t go the distance. He’s come to terms with the fact that there are things he’ll never be able to say. Things he’ll never be able to do. He’s not all right with it, he’s not okay with the thought of standing on the sidelines, watching the world spin past, but what can you do: he’ll never take that final step.
He did not set out to fall in love, but it isn’t until after it’s already happened that he finally realizes that it’s too late. He’s a fucking sap. He’s in love. He’s fucking in love, and it’s just as terrible as he’s always been lead to believe. He’ll get no peace from now on. Everything is terrible. Everything in the wide world is Castiel’s hands or the tilt of his chin as he glances over his shoulder or his hair falling into his eyes; yeah, it’s all Castiel and it’s all awful, terrible; exactly the kind of thing that Dean sings along to in those awful, terrible songs.
He’s in love, and he knows it, and it’s the most awful, terrible thing that’s ever happened to him.